


you make me feel okay

by satiricaldepression



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: (kinda), Alternate Universe - College/University, Eating Disorders, M/M, Sad, Self-Hatred, but minor, kihyun loves minhyuk very much, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 11:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21160685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satiricaldepression/pseuds/satiricaldepression
Summary: minhyuk hates himself, he hopes kihyun won’t hate him too.





	you make me feel okay

**Author's Note:**

> head the warning/tags
> 
> hi i actually don’t like this at all, it’s really poorly written, especially at the end
> 
> this was supposed to be a long fic but for some reason it ended up like this
> 
> enjoy ?

it’s barely 10pm, but that’s already too late for minhyuk. how can people eat past 9pm, he wonders. don’t they know that eating before you sleep makes you more likely to gain weight? minhyuk shudders at that thought alone.

minhyuk regrets so many things. he regrets going to bed so late the night before and having to go to work exhausted. he regrets that time in junior year when he didn’t study for his stats test and ended up failing. 

currently, minhyuk regrets the popcorn and candy from his movie night with changkyun an hour ago.

and, it’s not much, minhyuk never eats that much, but it sits in his stomach uncomfortably. he hates it. he hates himself. he can physically feel the weight in his stomach— and maybe he’s delusional, because he doesn’t know if it’s actually possible to feel the food inside you, but it drives minhyuk impossibly insane.

and it’s that nagging guilt poking his insides that leads him to the hallway bathroom. the apartment only has two bathrooms, this one and the one inside his and kihyun’s shared bedroom. he finds himself using this one more often.

it’s just this once, he tells himself. he has self control, he can stop whenever he wants. he tries not to think too much as he washes his hands for a good one hundred and twenty seconds under warm water.

he kneels and, at this point, doesn’t even register the feeling of the freezing cold tile against his kneecaps. he’s used to it.

minhyuk hates himself so much.

minhyuk shoves one, two— three fingers in his mouth until his nails are hitting the back of his throat and his palm is ghosting over the top of his tongue. he presses down and almost instantly gags, his shoulders tensing as he feels his dinner— if you can really call it that— coming back up.

there’s no harsh clutching onto the toilet seat or shoving his head disgustingly close inside the bowl. minhyuk’s always been fairly calm at this and he hovers slightly above the porcelain with his hands braced against the tops of his thighs so he doesn’t fall over.

the taste of sour apple candy mixed with stomach acid creates a disgusting sweet-bitter sting in his mouth as he empties his stomach into the bowl.

it’s not a lot. it’s mostly water, he barely ate enough for it to be anything else. but it still hurts the same as every other time.

the slight burning feeling makes minhyuk attempt to clear his throat, but he ends up gagging even more and it turns into a coughing fit. 

he feels disgusting and he should probably brush his teeth, but he read somewhere on a reddit forum for dentists that scrubbing them right away can cause the enamel to erode. 

still, there’s a lingering caustic taste in his mouth so rinses his mouth with water and then some fluoride mouthwash for extra protection.

the bathroom still looks spotless, the same way it did after kihyun had cleaned it the day before. but minhyuk still takes the liberty of spraying the whole area with disinfectant.

when minhyuk leaves the bathroom, he can’t tell if he feels better or worse. (he has to feel better, doesn’t he? otherwise what was the point.)

it takes him about seven minutes to tidy the living room. changkyun had offered to help clean before he left but minhyuk had practically shoved him out of the apartment. 

after all, the sooner changkyun left, the sooner minhyuk could get everything over with.

he settles into his bedroom, choosing to swap out his current t-shirt for a clean and even looser one. when minhyuk sits down, the bed is extremely comfortable it’s soft and warm, and smells like kihyun’s favorite brand of laundry detergent.

he scrolls on his phone for fifteen, maybe twenty minutes before he hears the front door opening.

kihyun’s home.

and it’s only another two minutes until he’s entering their bedroom and greeting his boyfriend.

“you’re still up?” the first thing kihyun does is walk straight to bed and plant a quick chaste kiss on minhyuk’s lips. then he heads to the shower.

“it’s not even eleven yet.” minhyuk calls out over the already running water.

“but you have to be up at seven. if you go to bed now you’ll only get eighth hours max. and that’s barely enough.”

“eight hours is more than enough.”

“you don’t rest enough.”

“i’m fine, ki.”

kihyun frowns, but doesn’t refute. “if you say so.”

kihyun showers. it takes him seventeen minutes. when he exits the bathroom, the lights have been turned off and minhyuk’s cozied up under the covers on his side of the bed. he puts on his pajamas— which is really just a t-shirt and a pair of boxers— and gets in bed.

minhyuk instantly wraps his arms around him. 

“i thought you were asleep.” kihyun laughs.

“i’m not tired yet, wanted to wait for you.” minhyuk’s eyes are closed as he speaks. he snuggles further into kihyun’s arms.

“are you okay?”

“i’m okay.” he hums and keeps clinging to kihyun like a koala. “just missed you.”

kihyun doesn’t say anything else, just holds minhyuk as close as he can.

and minhyuk decides that he does feels worse. but that’s okay, everything’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact; three fingers r more effective than two (in my oh so personal opinion)
> 
> u can find me on twitter [@vorekangs](https://twitter.com/vorekangs?s=21) ;;


End file.
